I feel like abortions should bother me more
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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