The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
