My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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