Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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