Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
