I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
