Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
