I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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