I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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