New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
