hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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