well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
