AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
