im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
