I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
