Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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