im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
