i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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