everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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