dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
