I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
