Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
