Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just google imaged poop.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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