my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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