everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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