I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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