You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
