Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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