I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
