Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
