So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
