if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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