you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
