I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
