Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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