He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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