i was born a porn star she said
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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