Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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