hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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