Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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