please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
