I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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