i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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