You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
