the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
