and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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