haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
