come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
