The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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