Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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