I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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