who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
