I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
